28 January 2013

The Culinarian III: Silence of the Lamb Roast

In the shadows, he waits - foodstuffs everywhere whisper his name in fear. A legend stalking the supermarket shelves. And tonight, he's hungry.

That's right, its time for a dark gritty reboot of...
...featuring Austen 'Lambo' Erickson.

What you will need:

  • Slow Cooker
  • Lamb Half-leg Roast
  • (1) Can Soup - preferably lamb based
  • (1) Soup Stock Gel Thingy - preferably beef based, because consistency is for chefs, not the Culinarian.
  • Frozen Mashed Potatoes
  • (1) Beer
  • (1 bag) Cauliflower you found in the freezer
  • WILD CARD*: Leftover beetroots that you need to get rid of
What you will not need:
  • Roads
  • Electric kettle (that bastard photo-bombed my ingredients)
Lets Fucking Cook
  1. Drink the rest of the beer you bought. You should probably start this dish in the morning so this will get your day off to a good start.
  2. Place lamb into slow cooker
  3. Place everything else except the mashed potatoes into the slow cooker
  4. Turn it on low and wait for 7 hours or until you get too hungry to keep waiting
  5. De-bone the meat and chop it into stew sized chunks
  6. Microwave the mashed potatoes and then serve as a base for the stew
CONSUME
The final product should look something like this:
Enjoy!
Culinarian's Coda
Thank you all for coming on this magical journey with me. I think we all learned a thing or two about life, love, and cooking.

Join me next week when I teach you how to build a homunculus servant.
*Improvisation is key to any dish - I recommend adding whatever you've got in your fridge until the slow-cooker is full

22 January 2013

Austen the Author (Year 5 Edition)

 Austen (Age 35): Welcome, my dear readers. My illustrious authorial career has its roots in the romantic realist tradition of...

Austen (Age 10): Shut the hell up - I was writing before you could even spell "pretenshun." Let me show you some of the great shit I wrote in Year 5. Its fucking aces.

 Austen (Age 23): I think I better act as an editor - at the very least to remove all the profanity. I'm pretty sure I didn't even know what most of those curse words even meant.

 Austen (Age 10): Whatever. I grew up on the streets, bitch.

Austen (Age 23): That's not even remotely true.

Austen (Age 10): [Unpublishable]

Austen (Age 35): Seriously 23-year old Austen, stop being such an [unpublishable] and show the damn story.

Austen (Age 23): Without further ado:

 Portal to Lorrad
Introduction:
"Slight chance of earthquake," that's what it said on T.V. [Said no one on television ever] [I'll fight you] Now after the 7.8, the nearby volcano had begun erupting. My cat, Tiger, and I were running down the main street away from the lava. Suddenly we had to stop! There was a deep crack in the ground, and I saw a blue-green glow towards the bottom. I turned around and, seeing that there was no other choice, I leaped off the edge, and was engulfed by darkness... [Hold up you daffy old man, this is the first draft - if you insist on mocking my writing at least mock the right version] [Fine, we'll start again]

Introduction:
As Patrick tramped through the tall grass, he thought again why he was doing this. He had been dared by his friends to take a picture of the pond in the middle of the supposedly haunted grove. He passed through the ring of trees and saw the pond. [You actually have no idea what a grove is, do you?] [I do too - apparently I grove up into an insufferable [unpublishable] - how's that for use in a sentence? Dick.]

"All I have to do is take a picture," he thought, but something about the pond - perhaps the stillness, or maybe a slight feel of magic in the air - made him go in closer for a better look. As he peered into the un-rippling waters he thought he saw the slight outline of an island.

Patrick leaned in closer. Suddenly, it was as if an invisible hand pushed him. He tumbled forward and landed in the water with a spalsh [Spalsh? Seriously? Even I know how to spell that] . He tried to swim to the surface, but it seemed as though he was made of lead! He sank deeper and was engulfed in darkness.

Chapter 1:

When Patrick opened his eyes he found himself lying on a beach. He tried to move, but as soon as he stood up a shooting pain went through his body and he collapsed to the sand, and fell into a deep sleep. [Not every scene has to end with your protagonist blacking out, you know] [Shut up and finish the story] [That's all you wrote! The rest is just a list of characters and synopsis of the unfinished first chapter!]

Austen (Age 10): Seriously? You never even finished it? What about Niksor the Froggle? Frax the Lizard-Man!? HIGGLE THE GOOD WIZARD!!? I give you literary gold and you just squander it. What a dumbass. I'm gonna go play Pokemon. Peace.

Austen (Age 35): I wrote a novel! Didn't have much to do with this story though.

Austen (Age 23): We'll just see about that. You don't own me, future me.

Austen (Age 35): Whatever, I'm gonna go play Pokemon. Peace.

Austen (Age 23): ... I guess that's all for this week, dear readers. Next time, my Misadventures on Mars!

17 January 2013

How to Rule: A Statist's Guide

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NOTE: This post was re-blogged by the Australian Libertarian Society and Menzies House, published in The Gold Standard, and published in abridged form in Liberty 2015.

Congratulations on obtaining your new country! Whether you were elected by a majority of citizens who could be bothered to vote, appointed by the previous (and outgoing) party elite, or you have just staged a military coup, be assured that you have not only the power to rule – but the right to do so! The people – your people – have implicitly agreed to a social contract listing you as the ultimate authority, so be confident in your reign!

However, ruling a country is a difficult task; radical, anti-social, elements will always exist at the edge of society seeking to criticise or even undermine your administration. Its important not to pay any attention to what they have to say, since self-doubt is the most poisonous affliction for any sovereign. After all, if they know so much, why are you the one sitting in the driver's seat while they clamour for attention at the back of the bus?

This guide will teach you how best to quash these dangerous dissidents, so that you can more easily realise your utopian vision for the nation – your nation. The techniques here are presented in an order that our experts think will be the simplest for a first time ruler, but feel free to improvise! Jump around a bit as circumstance demands, or just to watch those fringe elements squirm. Even someone as dedicated to advancing the greater good as you deserves to enjoy themselves every now and then.

Remember, the most important thing while you build the great society – your society – is to have fun!

Step 1 – Disarm the Dissidents
An armed population is an unruly population! Just like a de-clawed animal makes the best pet, defenceless people are the easiest to domesticate. Obviously, you'll have to take away their guns – but don't be afraid to go further! Knives, axes, scissors and knitting needles – all can be used against you or your agents.

Start by outlawing dangerous weapons in public places, and when this proves an ineffective deterrent to criminals you can push for more regulation and registration. Ideally you will end up with a list of every legal gun-owner. Don't worry about the illegal owners, they will always be around and are such a small minority that they don't pose a threat to your regime.

Timing is everything when you are finally ready to start taking weapons away – statistical evidence and rational argument will not be on your side, so wait for a tragedy before you make your move! Declining crime rates are no match for a pile of bodies – so stand atop it with pride while you paint your opponents as heartless.

PROTIP: While you gradually reduce the power of people to defend themselves, take the opportunity to more heavily arm your own forces in the name of “public safety.” Every local police force should have assault weapons, and at least one tank, if possible! (Armed drones are also a great idea – see Step 5)

Step 2 – Seize the Schools
Children are the future – your future. A young mind is fertile soil for growing the followers of tomorrow, and as any good farmer will tell you – if you want a good crop come harvest, nationalise education!

Its no secret that all children have the same needs and capabilities, and that's why a national curriculum is so important to your success! Of course, funding schools can be difficult with all the other great projects you will be working on – so don't be afraid to cut programs that won't serve your goals. Art, economics, mathematics and science are all fat to be discarded if necessary; but never, ever get rid of history. The social studies classroom is your arena! Its a sad, outdated notion that history is an objective study of the past. Those of us in the know are aware that its actually a perfect medium for selling ideology to impressionable youth.

PROTIP: Remember to tack these three magical words onto every educational edict you issue “...for our children.” No one can argue with that – it would mean that they were anti-children. Its just logic.

Step 3 – Bolster the Bureaucracy
Depending on your predecessors – your rightfully unlimited power may be unfairly constrained by silly things like constitutional law or other branches of government. But modern science has given us a fantastic tool to overcome such hurdles – the bureaucrat!

A simple rule of thumb: if you can't legislate it, regulate it! Is an impasse among underlings getting you down? Create an entirely new agency to bypass the whole process! Between the Department of This and the Agency of That (not to mention the Board of the Other), there will be dozens, if not hundreds of different subordinates who you can instruct to pass any given order.

PROTIP: People love wars and they provide a great opportunity to expand the scope of state power! But sometimes a war on a neighbouring country is impractical – which is why its such a good idea to declare war on more nebulous, abstract foes: “War on Poverty,” “War on Drugs,” “War on Terror,” “War on Obesity,” “War on Badwrongness” – be creative!

Step 4 – Neuter the Newspapers
[CENSORED] (Ed. Note: Good job! You are catching on!)

PROTIP: A great way to get started on this is to establish an 'independent' agency to monitor the press – it can all be done in the name of “creating and maintaining a balanced and free media.” We couldn't have any private parties injecting their agenda into the news.

Step 5 – Surveil the Citizenry
Its no coincidence that The Police sang “Every Breath You Take,” because they'll most certainly be watching you (or rather, your subjects)! By now you might have upset some of the coarser plebeians, and the first step to removing a cancer on society is detecting it.

Thanks to the marvels of technology, its easier than ever to keep track of the average Jane or Joe Citizen. Who will complain about wanting “a chicken in every pot” when you give them “a camera on every street corner?” No one – at least not for long!

Don't forget to keep up with all the new-fangled gadgetry either – phone-tapping, internet data retention, microwave scanning, mandatory blood and saliva testing; the possibilities are just endless. The best part is, it can all be done in the name of “national security!”

PROTIP: Before you take the reigns, be as vocal as possible in your opposition to a surveillance state – then your supporters will take for granted that anything you do must be necessary, since you oppose it so strongly on principle!

Step 6 – Jilt the Judiciary
To paraphrase the great thinker and statesman, Benjamin Franklin “People... deserve neither liberty nor safety.” Truer words have never been spoken! You've accomplished a lot so far, and its OK to congratulate yourself for a job well done. In fact, why not declare a national day of celebration in your honour? We'll still be here when you come back, champ!

We bet that was fun! The hard work is almost done – if you haven't already all you need to do is to start enforcing your laws as arbitrarily as you create them. The notion that everyone has to follow the same rules is a ludicrous relic and has no place in an advanced society.

Besides, if you've completed Step 3 odds are everybody is guilty of something. You may as well pass sentence now and define a charge later. In fact, you can probably just drop the pretence of charging people with crimes altogether. You are the state and if you say someone's guilty, that's the way it is!

PROTIP: Setting and expanding precedent is key here! If you can get away with something once, you've proven that its always acceptable. Use a missile strike on foreigners yesterday to justify an assassination of one of your own citizens tomorrow. Dream big!

Step 7 – Profit!
Congratulations on completing the guide! You should now be in a great position to enforce your policy whims, whatever they might be! Soon your world-view will come to its full fruition. You may be interested in our companion work – How to Cope with Societal Collapse: A Statist's Guide. Until then – all hail the glorious leader!

10 January 2013

Things What I Done

"My goodness," you have certainly thought many times since my last post, "What on Earth has Austen been up to that has been distracting him from the important things in life, like updating his blog?" Wonder no longer, my dear reader!

Despite the condescending attitude of a certain Obi-Wan Kenobi (who I have heard is actually only a Jedi Bachelor), it was actually quite a bit of work. However I finished almost a month ago and since then I don't have any excuses. Mea culpa.

However I have managed to get my e-mail inbox down to only two items (a record since my undergraduate days) - and I also built this nifty Deadwood Faro board for a couple awesome friends of mine:




It can be used to play a classic game of Faro for anyone who likes the adventure of frontier gambling, or to play the Deadwood Drinking Faro game while they are watching the show! (The rules are at the bottom of this post)

So these days I'm just waiting around to hear about my potential PhD program - if everything goes well I'll be starting that up this semester, and if not I'll be on the hunt for a job in Sydney. Either way big fun changes coming ahead! I have no idea what this means for my frequency of blog postings, but if the past predicts the future, expect the next post promptly by 2014.

If you cannot wait until then, watch this video repeatedly and await further instructions.

Deadwood Drinking Game
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-Place your drink (ideally whiskey) on a card – move it only after you or another player drinks
- Drink whenever the event associated with your card occurs (see below)
- Banker refills empty beverages
A - Swearingen curses, kills someone, or abuses an underling
2 - Mr. Wu, Dan, Silas or Johnny curse or kill someone
3 - E.B. Farnum is abused or abuses Richardson
4 - Doc Cochran is frustrated with a patient or Merrick is pretentious
5 - Anyone says 'Cocksucker,' 'Hooplehead' or 'Pinkerton'
6 - Anyone mentions or alludes to gold
7 - Anyone takes or mentions dope (opium)
8 - Charlie Utter or Jane Canary curse or drink, or Wild Bill is mentioned
9 - Anyone curses, or is fleeced or killed in the Bella Union
10 - Anyone curses, or is injured or killed in the No.10 Saloon or the Livery
J - Anyone takes a drink
Q - A whore curses or mentions a sexual act
K - Bullock curses or becomes enraged, or Sol tries to be reasonable
High Card - Anytime any other character curses or dies