18 February 2013

#AATG - The Academic Article Twitter Game

As a current Pre-having-Doctorate Student, I'm spending a fair amount of time reading various research articles in my field, on top of my usual 'I'm a huge nerd' quota. Its not really a bad thing that the majority of these papers are inaccessible to the non-specialist - their purpose is by and large to communicate highly specific research between highly focused researchers. Scientific Journalism does its best to translate the arcana of academia for the masses, and when its not worried about presenting a 'balanced view', or dropping the usual cliches, it does a pretty decent job.

But its time to take it to the next level - by harnessing the power of social media, and the blogosphere, and crowd-sourcing, and other trendy buzzwords that undoubtedly resonate with the youth of today. And so I present (in a stunning example of consecutive conjunction-prefaced sentences): the Academic Article Twitter Game!

The goal is to summarize the conclusion or gist of an article in simple language via a tweet - don't worry about including methodology or data analysis details, and focus more on giving an accurate rendition than making it exciting.
  • Must contain either a link to the article being summarized or enough information for a reader to find the article themselves
  • Must contain the hashtag #AATG because hashtags are the MSG of tweets - everything tastes better with them and sometimes they give people headaches and this metaphor hasn't turned out as well as I had hoped
  • Should be intelligible to a layperson - avoid jargon wherever possible
  • An article merits multiple tweets only if it makes several different points
Here's an example for an economics paper I will probably never write:
BAD:  [LINK] Agent-based models for unemployment improvable with logarthimic, rather than exponential, wage decay
BETTER:  [LINK] Economic models improvable with a logarithmic function for people's wage demands following unemployment
BEST:  [LINK] The wages that unemployed people are willing to work for may decrease slowly, then quickly, then slowly again over time

Have fun! And if you aren't reading academic articles you can instead play the I-have-a-real-job twitter game (#IHARJTG) where you just tweet like a normal person.

15 February 2013

Austen the Humourist: Through the Years III

Time Enough... for MURDER
Part of my Creative Writing portfolio from my final year of High School - my teacher's comments: "Very entertaining piffle... subtle hyperbole - possible?"

Throughout his six years on the police force, Detective Philip Cosgrove had been in many uncomfortable situations, but this certainly beat them all. Unlike some of the other uncomfortable situations, this one ended well, with the proctologist announcing that he was quite fit. "As fit as a fiddle, you might say," Philip Cosgrove replied, mentally commending himself for his cleverness. Whenever he managed to apply a witty witty saying like that he felt smart, like one of those real detectives on TV. His wide face would break into a crooked grin, like a Halloween pumpkin carved by a demented four-year-old, and his bushy black eyebrows would curl up at the edges.

This happy feeling stuck with him all the way to the station, when he realized with an unpleasant start that he had forgotten something important, a date of some sort. He came to the conclusion that it was his father-in-law's birthday, and he had completely neglected to purchase him a gift. Ever since the old man, Chief Inspector Harold Jenkins, had gotten him this job, it was as though he had expected Philip to be thankful, or something, as if Cosgrove couldn't have procured it himself. Cursing his "dad," Philip tried to think of a solution as he nibbled at the tuna sandwich he brought in every day for lunch. It wasn't until he was heading to the recreation room on his second mid-morning break that a single idea managed to burrow its way through his sparse covering of wiry black hair and a skull thick enough to sink in concrete.

Once again put in a good mood, this time by his resourcefulness, Cosgrove rummaged through the various boxes in the small windowless room marked, "Evidence & Confiscated Goods: Employees Only." He tossed aside a child's doll with some questionable red stains on it, a single orchid encased in glass, and a crime scene photo of a ramshackle red barn, one entire side peppered with bullet holes. Suddenly he saw it, the mother lode. It was a pocket watch, but not just any timepiece. This watch was special somehow, even Philip could tell, or perhaps that was just indigestion. After all, the tuna had tasted a little funny today.

Prize in hand, the Detective strode purposefully down the hallway towards the corner office of Chief Inspector Harold Jenkins. Peering through the door window, Philip noticed that he was not the first one to arrive; two others, ordinary policemen, were standing beside the large desk. He had never seen his father-in-law so red in the face. "Must be something important," the portion of his brain devoted to reasoning suggested, "maybe we should come back later." "Ha!" shouted the majority of his synapses, "what's more important than my gift?"

Without a second thought, Philip strode in purposefully, cutting off the stranger in mid-sentance, "We have some leads on the Peterson murder but until we can find that watch..."

"Happy Birthday Harold!" Cosgrove ejaculated, plopping his sizeable buttocks down upon the desk. There was a sickening noise, that of breaking glass and rending metal, followed by a rather awkward silence. "Ah..." Philip looked at the stricken face of the shorter intruder, "Are those your glasses?" The man just nodded mutely. At about this time, the young Detective noticed the look on Jenjins' face. Cosgrove's mind tried to comprehend why the Chief Inspector didn't look happier, but all it could think was that the sky had never seemed so blue as it did now out the window, and how nicely it contrasted with the mauve of Harold's face.

"Son..." Harold began, spitting out each word. "Would you mind explaining just what the hell you are doing in here?"

"Well... you see..." came the halting reply.

"SPEAK!" thundered the man behind the desk, like an angry and vengeful demigod, albeit with more spittle projection. Neither of the two guests had spoken yet.

"I just thought that I should give you this..." he handed over the pocket watch, noticing for the first time the initials stencilled on the back: "J.P." By this time he just wanted to leave and go back to his sandwich, maybe even open a bag of chips, but he knew that he wouldn't get off so easily.

To Philip's surprise, Harold didn't seem any angrier. In fact, his mood seemed to brighten a bit. "Where did you get this, son?"

"Its... its..." Cosgrove stuttered, not believing his good luck. "Its your birthday present."

There was silence around the table, and Philip got the horrible feeling that he had said something wrong. Suddenly the Chief Inspector smiled, and then grinned, and then... he began laughing. The two policemen looked at each other, and then they also laughed. Cosgrove, always hating to be the last one to get a joke, which happened far more frequently than he would like, also joined in, making sure he laughed louder than the others.

"That's my son!" said Harold, "Now that we have the watch, we can really make some headway on the Peterson case. Let me tell you, you almost had us fooled with the birthday routine. But thank you, I had almost forgotten my daugher's birthday, clever of you to remind me like this. Say, what did you get her?"

Cosgrove turned green and rushed out of the room, stopping only long enough to retrieve his sandwich on his way to the mall.

The End

Thanks for reading my recycled rantings! Next week I describe how I conquered the crab people.

13 February 2013

Austen the Humourist: Through the Years II

Quomodocunquize: Man or Myth?
I believe the goal of this Year 9 assignment was to write a definition essay for some word or concept. But that seemed boring so I wrote this instead. According to this source its even a real word!

Many nights I have lain awake in bed, pondering the secrets of life, the universe, and everything. Many nights have I asked myself the great questions: Why are we here? What's life all about? Is God really real, or is there some doubt? [A Douglas Adams and a Monty Python reference in the first paragraph - CREATIVITY!] What exactly is quomodocunquization? "Ah yes," as some great Greek philosopher may have once thought, "to quomodocunquize is indeed a great and mysterious ting." This was made even more amazing in that English was not even a language at the time. After grueling minutes of study, I have finally unlocked the secrets behind the word that has puzzled generations of scholars and theologians, kings and saints, and driven many more mad in its pursuit: quomodocunquize.

In its simplest form, to quomodocunquzie is to make money in any way possible. The first aspect of this is basically the idea of money. The evolution of money begins with the birth of humankind. Originally, humans utilized a barter economy, in which 'money' was not currency, but actually various goods themselves. For example, in order to purchase an ancient soft drink (historians call this "water"), one would need to pay three sheep and a half-chicken. Naturally, this sort of exchange made drive thru restaurants very inefficient, not to mention messy. For this reason, early peoples began using objects like shells or rocks as currency, which in turn bred metal coins and paper money through a process known as 'meiosis.' Obviously, money can refer to any material good, but in today's day and age, and for all intents and purposes it means currency.

Since the dawn of time, humans have been developing more and more sophisticated ways of relieving other humans of the uncomfortable burden of too much money. From the time honoured "hitting-over-the-head-with-big-stick" method to the modern and genteel "corporate fraud" method, moneymaking strategies run the gamut for profitability, morality and legality. Typically speaking, profitability is inversely proportional to morality and legality, unless one is a politician, when morality loses all meaning. Essentially, any sort of activity wherein a certain amount of money exchanges possession can be classified as a moneymaking venture, the core of quomodocunquization.

However, there is one thing that separates the everyday businessman from the dedicated quomodocunquizer. Although both make money, hopefully in vast quantities, in order to truly quomodocunquize, one must in addition be willing to sacrifice all that is good and holy for the sake of cold hard cash. Making money in any way possible means just that. If an activity will be profitable, it is fair game. For example, although many businessmen would not sell, for example, their eternal soul, to someone as unscrupulous as Satan, the Lord of the Abyss and Devourer of Souls or a law firm, if the quomodocunquizer thinks that he or she can come off with some capital, they would not give it a second thought.

Sure, many would argue that quomodocunquization is unethical, even downright immoral, and true, they may be completely correct, but in the end none of them will ever become wealthy enough to leave golden likenesses of themselves as tips. To sum it up, to quomodocunquize is to perform any activity, without caring about the consequences regardless of how far reaching and terrible they might be, for the sake of currency. Remember, quomodocunquization is not just a way of obtaining gargantuan quantities of wealth; it is a way of life.

11 February 2013

Austen the Humourist: Through the Years I

This week I've collected three works of 'humorous' writing that I wrote at various points in my life- no promises in the quality of the jokes. I notice that the younger me found quite a lot of funnies in non sequitur and 'lawyers are greedy/immoral' quips. Of course today my sense of humour is considerably more mature and focuses exclusively on puns (my favourite type of bread - hey-oh!). The next two entries will be up Wednesday & Friday.

The Bear and the Three Goldilocks: A Fairy Tail
Originally written in Year 6, I believe I intended this to be a part of a series of revisited fairy tales and then promptly forgot about it. I believe Mozart was already composing at this age, and I'd like to think that this holds up at least as well as his early work. I can't, but I'd certainly like to. Its worth noting that the original piece had a WordArt title, was written in Comic Sans, and contained a beautiful hand drawn illustration.

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks. One day through a bizarre incident involving a berserk photocopier, half a salami sandwich and a rabid weasel flying at terminal velocity, Goldilocks multiplied three times. Her clones had the names of Big Goldilocks, Medium Goldilocks and Small Goldilocks according to their sizes. The original Goldilocks was so surprised she ran away and became an image consultant. The remaining Goldilocks bought a house in the middle of the forest for a very decent price. Every morning they would eat some cereal. Big Goldilocks had a bland non-flavoured oatmeal. Medium Goldilocks had some Sugar-coated Chocolate Bombs in chocolate milk. Small Goldilocks had Honey Bunches of Oats. Since they all liked their cereal soggy they would first go for a walk. The story begins here...

The Three Goldilocks had just left for their morning walk when a burglar bear came to their house. He immediately broke down the door and went inside. The first thing he saw was The Three Goldilocks' breakfast. He tried Big Goldilocks' oatmeal but it was too bland. Then he tried Medium Goldilocks cereal but it was too sweet. Finally, he tasted Small Goldilocks' cereal and it was just right so he ate it all up. As he was no longer hungry he walked into the living room to try and steal something. The first thing he saw was Big Goldilocks' Wide Screen Colour TV. He tried to lift it but it was too heavy and it fell to the ground immediately, fortunately it was strong enough to withstand the blow. The next thing he saw was Medium Goldilocks' 12" Black & White TV. He picked it up but put it on the floor as soon as he realized it was too inexpensive. Finally he moved on to Small Goldilocks' 17" Colour TV - he lifted it into his sack because he knew it was just right. He hefted the bag over his shoulder and moved upstairs to see what he could see. When he reached the top he saw three beds. He went into the one belonging to Big Goldilocks' but it was too hard so he smashed it to bits. Then he went to Medium Goldilocks' bed but it was too soft so he smashed it to bits. In a temper he ran to Small Goldilocks' bed and smashed it to bits. Then he went through a rampage and destroyed most of the house. By the time The Three Goldilocks got back there was practically nothing left.

What followed could only be described as chaos. The Three Goldilocks angrily chased the bear around the forest. After about an hour of sweating, running and panting they managed to catch him. They were about to force feed him a kilo of mixed vegetables when a finicky Forest Ranger stopped them and gave them a long lecture about treating endangered species with care. During this time the bear escaped only to fall into the arms of the police. Both of the parties went to court and the bear was sent to jail. Unfortunately  The Three Goldilocks were fined for harming an endangered creature so the only ones who lived happily ever after were the lawyers.

04 February 2013

30 Things (Update & Revisions)

Long time readers of my blog (i.e. myself) will recall the list I made of 30 Things to do before I turn 30. I thought it was high time to revisit that list and see how I was going! As before, particularly personal items have been omitted to protect the innocent (or guilty, as the case may be).

Totally Incomplete (15/30)
  • (Previously omitted) Propose to a woman: According to #3 on this list, I should aim for sometime around my 28th birthday - because math is always correct
  • Spend a week in the woods (or other wilderness type place): Not yet
  • (Previously omitted, and recently deleted): New goal is to figure out another goal to replace this one with.
  • Learn to play an instrument passably well: When I have $$ I'll buy a guitar or something!
  • Eat at a 5 star restaurant: [$ I need] >> [$ I have]
  • Visit every continent (still have to get to Africa and Antarctica): See '5 star restaurant'
  • Save (in some form) at least $15,000 (AUS): Hahahahaha
  • Go on a date without regard to cost: I'm noticing a trend here... what could it be?
  • Learn to ride something with 4 legs or less than 4 wheels (bikes don't count): Nope
  • Travel to Uluru: I guess I'm closer now that I'm living in Sydney!
  • Swim naked in the Pacific Ocean: And its right there too...
  • Give blood: No excuses - I'll get on this
  • Purchase some land: Unless someone is willing to trade their property for beads and baubles I'm out of luck in the short term.
  • Fly in a helicopter: I saw a helicopter the other day - so close!
  • Grow and eat my own food: I eat food a lot - does that count?
In Progress (9/30)
  • Still Omitted:  But going well ;)
  • Get a tattoo: Got a design and waited long enough to make it non-impulsive, so I just need to get around to it at some point
  • Write a novel: Started a few stories but nothing substantial yet - still not going to write this one off (twofer!)
  • Get a PhD: In progress!
  • Cook my way through a cookbook: Well, I own a few cookbooks at least now
  •  Become proficient in a martial art: Sorta complete? I've dabbled in a bunch of different ones - need to settle on one and then commit
  • Read at least half of 'The Great Books': Currently on Book 4 of Gateway to the Great Books, progress is slow but non-zero!
  • Become fit enough to pass this: In better shape than I have ever been but still a long way to go!
  • Another Omitted Goal: Fun!

Completed (6/30)
  • Still omitted: I also climbed a mountain afterwards. Bonus!
  • Give away or sell all my excess junk after graduation: Ditched pretty much everything to move to Australia - left with books and a rapidly deteriorating wardrobe
  • See a country music act live in concert: I actually did this before I made the list (at Bonnaroo) but still need to catch The Beards live at some point!
  • Put together a GOOD bag and BOAT: Both could probably be better, but I've got the basics down.
  • Have a research paper published: W00t
  • Drive a car faster than 100 mph: Good old Aurora Corolla - I miss that car.
Overall impression: Not bad - I still have over 6 years to go on this and I've already managed to cross off a few!

Next time: I uncover the secrets of perpetual motion!