13 February 2013

Austen the Humourist: Through the Years II

Quomodocunquize: Man or Myth?
I believe the goal of this Year 9 assignment was to write a definition essay for some word or concept. But that seemed boring so I wrote this instead. According to this source its even a real word!

Many nights I have lain awake in bed, pondering the secrets of life, the universe, and everything. Many nights have I asked myself the great questions: Why are we here? What's life all about? Is God really real, or is there some doubt? [A Douglas Adams and a Monty Python reference in the first paragraph - CREATIVITY!] What exactly is quomodocunquization? "Ah yes," as some great Greek philosopher may have once thought, "to quomodocunquize is indeed a great and mysterious ting." This was made even more amazing in that English was not even a language at the time. After grueling minutes of study, I have finally unlocked the secrets behind the word that has puzzled generations of scholars and theologians, kings and saints, and driven many more mad in its pursuit: quomodocunquize.

In its simplest form, to quomodocunquzie is to make money in any way possible. The first aspect of this is basically the idea of money. The evolution of money begins with the birth of humankind. Originally, humans utilized a barter economy, in which 'money' was not currency, but actually various goods themselves. For example, in order to purchase an ancient soft drink (historians call this "water"), one would need to pay three sheep and a half-chicken. Naturally, this sort of exchange made drive thru restaurants very inefficient, not to mention messy. For this reason, early peoples began using objects like shells or rocks as currency, which in turn bred metal coins and paper money through a process known as 'meiosis.' Obviously, money can refer to any material good, but in today's day and age, and for all intents and purposes it means currency.

Since the dawn of time, humans have been developing more and more sophisticated ways of relieving other humans of the uncomfortable burden of too much money. From the time honoured "hitting-over-the-head-with-big-stick" method to the modern and genteel "corporate fraud" method, moneymaking strategies run the gamut for profitability, morality and legality. Typically speaking, profitability is inversely proportional to morality and legality, unless one is a politician, when morality loses all meaning. Essentially, any sort of activity wherein a certain amount of money exchanges possession can be classified as a moneymaking venture, the core of quomodocunquization.

However, there is one thing that separates the everyday businessman from the dedicated quomodocunquizer. Although both make money, hopefully in vast quantities, in order to truly quomodocunquize, one must in addition be willing to sacrifice all that is good and holy for the sake of cold hard cash. Making money in any way possible means just that. If an activity will be profitable, it is fair game. For example, although many businessmen would not sell, for example, their eternal soul, to someone as unscrupulous as Satan, the Lord of the Abyss and Devourer of Souls or a law firm, if the quomodocunquizer thinks that he or she can come off with some capital, they would not give it a second thought.

Sure, many would argue that quomodocunquization is unethical, even downright immoral, and true, they may be completely correct, but in the end none of them will ever become wealthy enough to leave golden likenesses of themselves as tips. To sum it up, to quomodocunquize is to perform any activity, without caring about the consequences regardless of how far reaching and terrible they might be, for the sake of currency. Remember, quomodocunquization is not just a way of obtaining gargantuan quantities of wealth; it is a way of life.