11 February 2013

Austen the Humourist: Through the Years I

This week I've collected three works of 'humorous' writing that I wrote at various points in my life- no promises in the quality of the jokes. I notice that the younger me found quite a lot of funnies in non sequitur and 'lawyers are greedy/immoral' quips. Of course today my sense of humour is considerably more mature and focuses exclusively on puns (my favourite type of bread - hey-oh!). The next two entries will be up Wednesday & Friday.

The Bear and the Three Goldilocks: A Fairy Tail
Originally written in Year 6, I believe I intended this to be a part of a series of revisited fairy tales and then promptly forgot about it. I believe Mozart was already composing at this age, and I'd like to think that this holds up at least as well as his early work. I can't, but I'd certainly like to. Its worth noting that the original piece had a WordArt title, was written in Comic Sans, and contained a beautiful hand drawn illustration.

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks. One day through a bizarre incident involving a berserk photocopier, half a salami sandwich and a rabid weasel flying at terminal velocity, Goldilocks multiplied three times. Her clones had the names of Big Goldilocks, Medium Goldilocks and Small Goldilocks according to their sizes. The original Goldilocks was so surprised she ran away and became an image consultant. The remaining Goldilocks bought a house in the middle of the forest for a very decent price. Every morning they would eat some cereal. Big Goldilocks had a bland non-flavoured oatmeal. Medium Goldilocks had some Sugar-coated Chocolate Bombs in chocolate milk. Small Goldilocks had Honey Bunches of Oats. Since they all liked their cereal soggy they would first go for a walk. The story begins here...

The Three Goldilocks had just left for their morning walk when a burglar bear came to their house. He immediately broke down the door and went inside. The first thing he saw was The Three Goldilocks' breakfast. He tried Big Goldilocks' oatmeal but it was too bland. Then he tried Medium Goldilocks cereal but it was too sweet. Finally, he tasted Small Goldilocks' cereal and it was just right so he ate it all up. As he was no longer hungry he walked into the living room to try and steal something. The first thing he saw was Big Goldilocks' Wide Screen Colour TV. He tried to lift it but it was too heavy and it fell to the ground immediately, fortunately it was strong enough to withstand the blow. The next thing he saw was Medium Goldilocks' 12" Black & White TV. He picked it up but put it on the floor as soon as he realized it was too inexpensive. Finally he moved on to Small Goldilocks' 17" Colour TV - he lifted it into his sack because he knew it was just right. He hefted the bag over his shoulder and moved upstairs to see what he could see. When he reached the top he saw three beds. He went into the one belonging to Big Goldilocks' but it was too hard so he smashed it to bits. Then he went to Medium Goldilocks' bed but it was too soft so he smashed it to bits. In a temper he ran to Small Goldilocks' bed and smashed it to bits. Then he went through a rampage and destroyed most of the house. By the time The Three Goldilocks got back there was practically nothing left.

What followed could only be described as chaos. The Three Goldilocks angrily chased the bear around the forest. After about an hour of sweating, running and panting they managed to catch him. They were about to force feed him a kilo of mixed vegetables when a finicky Forest Ranger stopped them and gave them a long lecture about treating endangered species with care. During this time the bear escaped only to fall into the arms of the police. Both of the parties went to court and the bear was sent to jail. Unfortunately  The Three Goldilocks were fined for harming an endangered creature so the only ones who lived happily ever after were the lawyers.