The Culinarian III: Silence of the Lamb Roast

In the shadows, he waits - foodstuffs everywhere whisper his name in fear. A legend stalking the supermarket shelves. And tonight, he's hungry.

That's right, its time for a dark gritty reboot of...

...featuring Austen 'Lambo' Erickson.

What you will need:

• Slow Cooker
• Lamb Half-leg Roast
• (1) Can Soup - preferably lamb based
• (1) Soup Stock Gel Thingy - preferably beef based, because consistency is for chefs, not the Culinarian.
• Frozen Mashed Potatoes
• (1) Beer
• (1 bag) Cauliflower you found in the freezer
• WILD CARD*: Leftover beetroots that you need to get rid of

What you will not need:

• Roads
• Electric kettle (that bastard photo-bombed my ingredients)

Lets Fucking Cook

1. Drink the rest of the beer you bought. You should probably start this dish in the morning so this will get your day off to a good start.
2. Place lamb into slow cooker
3. Place everything else except the mashed potatoes into the slow cooker
4. Turn it on low and wait for 7 hours or until you get too hungry to keep waiting
5. De-bone the meat and chop it into stew sized chunks
6. Microwave the mashed potatoes and then serve as a base for the stew

CONSUME
The final product should look something like this:

Enjoy!

Culinarian's Coda
Thank you all for coming on this magical journey with me. I think we all learned a thing or two about life, love, and cooking.

Join me next week when I teach you how to build a homunculus servant.

*Improvisation is key to any dish - I recommend adding whatever you've got in your fridge until the slow-cooker is full

The Culinarian II: The Eatening

Editor's Note: This was a post I started writing over the summer of 2010 - I think its high time I put it up to both signify my hopefully imminent return to writing a blog that no-one reads and subject you again to my cooking. Please direct all complaints about the quality of my food here.

Welcome back to another thrilling installment of your favorite low-budget cooking show. The only thing lower than the price is the talent!


This time I'll be transforming these boring 'ol ingredients...


Into a family size serving of Satay Meatballs.

What you will need:
(1) Bag of frozen, pre-cooked meatballs (the pre-cooked part is very important or you will end up with Satay Meatballs Tartare)
(2) Satay Ramen Noodle Packages
(1) Bag of frozen vegetables
(N) Eggs (I really have no idea how many, pick your favorite integer below 5)
(1) Jar Peanut Butter (crunchy)

Prep:

1. Remove ingredients from storage location
2. Turn stove-top on
3. Enough preparation silliness... lets get cooking

Instructions

1. Begin making Ramen in the usual fashion (if you can't do this on your own, you should probably just order out always - the kitchen is not a safe place for you)
2. Thaw meatballs and veggies in microwave
3. Scramble eggs in saucepan
4. Add meatballs, veggies, peanut butter (to taste) and Ramen flavor packets to eggs, stir and heat until everything is about the same temperature (hot)
5. Combine Ramen with everything else
6. Eat

Join us next week for "Will I Actually Post Again Next Week?" (SPOILER: Probably Not)

The Culinarian I

Hey kids, welcome to the first installment of:
Where I use a minimal budget, and even less talent to cook food that many would describe as both 'easy to make' and 'edible'! More like incredible!

In today's episode, we're going to turn this:

Into this:
That's right, with a few simple steps, you too can turn a boring set of ingredients into a delicious Breakfast Melt. The total cost of the ingredients (not including condiments and other things of that nature) should not exceed $6 or $7. Remember, whenever possible, buy generic brand items.

What you will need:

• Salt, Pepper, spices to taste (I used garlic salt)
• Olive oil
• Tomato Sauce (or 'Ketchup' for those in the states)
• 3 Eggs
• 1 Can Baked Beans
• 1 Can Corned Beef
• 1 bag Frozen Steak Fries
• Cheese

What you need to do:

1. Microwave 2 large handfuls* of steak fries until mostly thawed (probably ~1:30); mash thoroughly
2. Add corned beef to mashed steak fries, microwave for 1:00 (you have now created 'corned beef hash')
3. Add olive oil to pan, turn stove on to some appropriate egg cooking temperature
4. Add corned beef hash to pan, once you hear crackling, add eggs**
5. Mix thoroughly, keep turning over to allow eggs to cook well
6. Concurrently, microwave baked beans for about 2 min. add half to bottom of deep dish, cover liberally with tomato sauce
7. Once eggs are cooked into corned beef hash, layer this on top of the baked beans in the deep dish with another helping of tomato sauce on top. Keep making alternating layers until the dish is full
8. Add cheese to top, microwave whole thing until cheese is melted and dish is hot throughout (~1 min. should do it)
9. For attractive serving, carefully moderate portion from deep dish, and serve with something healthy (vegetables probably)
10. For fun serving, overturn dish onto plate, dig in right away (see above)

If you have a cheap, easy recipe you want me to attempt cooking, let me know! Who knows when The Culinarian will strike again...

*I don't cook with standard units of measurements. Neither should you!
**I recommend cracking the eggshells and using the interior liquid portion of the egg only, but that's just my personal preference