The Culinarian IV: Apocalypto Cookies

As most who know me can tell you, I very poorly attempt to follow a bastardized version of paleo/intermittent fasting. Part of my plan (see if you can spot the flaw) is to eat my way through all the food not on my diet in my kitchen - so I'll only have good stuff left! Smart!

Unfortunately, I've got a whole tub of flour to get through, and baking isn't exactly a piece of cake for me. Its a very precise art where ratios are super important and cooking times need to be exact.

But the Culinarian doesn't play that game. Welcome to baking freestyle.

1. Preheat Oven to 175 C
2. Measure out 1 cup of flour into a bowl - then destroy your measuring cup*.
3. Mix the following into the bowl. The order probably doesn't matter.

• Eggs (2)
• Brown Sugar (about as much as the flour)
• Butter (a few spoonfuls)
• Hot Chocolate Powder (as much as the butter)
• Salt, Nutmeg, Cinnamon, Cloves (until it tastes good)
• Cayanne Pepper (until it burns just right)

 Just look at those smug ingredients

4. Put dollops of batter onto a baking tray covered with tinfoil

5. Cook for ~10 min or until awesome

6. Eat cookies while warm, with milk! Yum!

Serves 4, or me.

NOT SO SMUG NOW (but very tasty)

* It may be more prudent to merely discard temporarily.

The Culinarian III: Silence of the Lamb Roast

In the shadows, he waits - foodstuffs everywhere whisper his name in fear. A legend stalking the supermarket shelves. And tonight, he's hungry.

That's right, its time for a dark gritty reboot of...

...featuring Austen 'Lambo' Erickson.

What you will need:

• Slow Cooker
• Lamb Half-leg Roast
• (1) Can Soup - preferably lamb based
• (1) Soup Stock Gel Thingy - preferably beef based, because consistency is for chefs, not the Culinarian.
• Frozen Mashed Potatoes
• (1) Beer
• (1 bag) Cauliflower you found in the freezer
• WILD CARD*: Leftover beetroots that you need to get rid of

What you will not need:

• Roads
• Electric kettle (that bastard photo-bombed my ingredients)

Lets Fucking Cook

1. Drink the rest of the beer you bought. You should probably start this dish in the morning so this will get your day off to a good start.
2. Place lamb into slow cooker
3. Place everything else except the mashed potatoes into the slow cooker
4. Turn it on low and wait for 7 hours or until you get too hungry to keep waiting
5. De-bone the meat and chop it into stew sized chunks
6. Microwave the mashed potatoes and then serve as a base for the stew

CONSUME
The final product should look something like this:

Enjoy!

Culinarian's Coda
Thank you all for coming on this magical journey with me. I think we all learned a thing or two about life, love, and cooking.

Join me next week when I teach you how to build a homunculus servant.

*Improvisation is key to any dish - I recommend adding whatever you've got in your fridge until the slow-cooker is full

The Culinarian II: The Eatening

Editor's Note: This was a post I started writing over the summer of 2010 - I think its high time I put it up to both signify my hopefully imminent return to writing a blog that no-one reads and subject you again to my cooking. Please direct all complaints about the quality of my food here.

Welcome back to another thrilling installment of your favorite low-budget cooking show. The only thing lower than the price is the talent!


This time I'll be transforming these boring 'ol ingredients...


Into a family size serving of Satay Meatballs.

What you will need:
(1) Bag of frozen, pre-cooked meatballs (the pre-cooked part is very important or you will end up with Satay Meatballs Tartare)
(2) Satay Ramen Noodle Packages
(1) Bag of frozen vegetables
(N) Eggs (I really have no idea how many, pick your favorite integer below 5)
(1) Jar Peanut Butter (crunchy)

Prep:

1. Remove ingredients from storage location
2. Turn stove-top on
3. Enough preparation silliness... lets get cooking

Instructions

1. Begin making Ramen in the usual fashion (if you can't do this on your own, you should probably just order out always - the kitchen is not a safe place for you)
2. Thaw meatballs and veggies in microwave
3. Scramble eggs in saucepan
4. Add meatballs, veggies, peanut butter (to taste) and Ramen flavor packets to eggs, stir and heat until everything is about the same temperature (hot)
5. Combine Ramen with everything else
6. Eat

Join us next week for "Will I Actually Post Again Next Week?" (SPOILER: Probably Not)